THE SCARIEST MACHINE OF THE MONTH
The largest submarine ever built was the nuclear-powered Typhoon class submarine deployed by the Soviet Union. First mentioned in a speech by Leonid Brezhnev in 1974 as a new type of nuclear ballistic submarine, the Typhoon subs became the most feared weapon in the Soviet arsenal when they were launched in the 1980s.
From that first boasting threat, the submarines inspired any number of espionage novels and thrilling movies, most famous of which had to be Tom Clancy’s The Hunt for Red October. Clancy’s novel was published in 1984 and produced on the screen in an unforgettable, nail-biting drama in 1990 starring Sean Connery as Soviet submarine captain Markus Aleksandrovich Ramius.
There was good reason for the U.S. to fear these oceanic predators. The submarines did not have to submerge or even go to sea to launch long-range missiles at their targets. There were even rumors that the Soviets were working on an amphibious version with caterpillar treads on the bottom. These babies could creep ashore at night and search for particularly offensive capitalistic inland targets, such as Walmarts and SuperKs. There was much gnashing of teeth and swearing by the Soviet Navy when Gorbachev proposed glasnost before the first sub – dubbed “Land Shark” in prototype form – could be completed.
Anyway, the Typhoons were quite scary enough in the water. The multi-hulled behemoths have been compared to catamarans in appearance, but any further relation to Gidget and Don Ho ends there. The craft have two separate pressure hulls with a diameter of 7.2 m each; five inner hulls for living and working quarters; and 19 compartments.
The missile compartment is located in the upper part of the bow between the pressure hulls. It is equipped with the D-19 launch system with 20 solid-fuel propellant R-39 missiles that have a range of up to 10,000 km. (Editor’s note: yes, 10,000 kilometers. Do you know how many times I rechecked and reread that to be sure? Yikes!)
During their years in service, the Typhoons liked to lurk under the ice (and could stay under water up to 180 days) in the Arctic Circle. They were able to almost silently glide beneath the ice toward the U.S., avoiding detection from anti-submarine forces restricted to the GIUK gap between ice floes.
The crew had surprisingly cushy digs, considering “home” was a submarine huddling under the ice for months at a time. Believe it or not, they were even fitted with indoor swimming pools. Truth! They also had early satellite TVs, but had to disconnect them when the sailors were too distracted by the nearby American frequencies. Some of the guys were scrunching up their sleeves and cultivating beard stubble to mimic Don Johnson, while a few others started a knitting circle, trying to create complicated Bill Cosby-style sweaters to wear off duty.
Six of the Typhoon class subs were built at the Severodvinsk Shipyard on the White Sea near Archangel. Much like the lucky sub crew members, engineers and workmen “assigned” to create these enormous sea creatures had a pretty sweet deal. It’s a little known fact that Archangel is affectionately called the Las Vegas of the Soviet Union by those in the know. Sure, it’s a little chilly there, but Archangel has been popular in certain circles for many years. A case in point, in 1419 Yakov Stepanovitch had to chase off the Norwegian “Murmaners” who were intent on raping and pillaging and otherwise doing whatever it took to gain the city for themselves. There have been other, lesser skirmishes over the years, but you can bet Russia’s been keeping this little treasure pretty much under wraps ever since.
The 56-year Cold War finally ended in 1991, and in 1997 two Typhoon submarines were decommissioned. More Typhoon-class subs were scheduled for retirement in 1997, but whether or not that happened on schedule is moot at this point. Even with the most rigorous maintenance and refurbishing schedules, the most recently built Typhoons’ life expectancy was only until 2005-2007, at the latest. Consequently, it seems safe to conclude that there are no Red Octobers currently pointing their creepy missiles in the general direction of Seattle or San Fran.
As a matter of fact, there’s talk that at least one Typhoon was picked up for a song by the Karamazov brothers at an auction in Archangel. They’re currently awaiting loan approval to turn their sub into a floating B & B with a kind of funky, military-themed decor.